Queen of Swords, Dark Wood Tarot

"Nothing is ever good enough because you don't feel good enough." (reversed)

Seems like the good old king didn't get to the core yesterday.
Maybe he didn't listen fully, maybe too emotionally distant.

Some part (an exile) of us doesn't feel seen or heard, for how it perceive things (and it's painful - S10 2 days ago).
There's too much head.
Defenses up - Protector(s) activated.
(google IFS)

And it's not the first time.

Quite a jungle this Dark Forest.
Will we ever find your way out?

Your head makes a knot of itself, trying to find a solution, a way forward.
If you could only 'find the right words' to "correct this".
But all trains of thought end up in frustration, critique, blame - of others, or yourself.
Again.

Why is it that you meet person after person acting like your words, thoughts and needs don't matter?
That they promise to do things but they don't (like it ... you ... don't matter ...)?
That they seem to put you last on the priority list, or even ... forget you, again?

Why is it that you can manage to act like it's not personal (because it isn't), and still have compassion for their busy agendas, and see their inner struggles - while screaming inside, because no one seems to see you?
But you don't want to scream out loud, because you don't want to live in a world were you have to scream or argue for attention, empathy and care...
You used to do it - but didn't like the feeling. Or the outcome.
So now you're (mostly) quiet.
Trying to 'be the change you want to see', on "good days".
Or hiding, on "bad days".

Tirelessly working on uncovering your true self.
Bringing home lost parts of yourself.

***

Tired.
So tired.
Tirelessly hoping and wishing for a world where we see and care for each other.
Beyond pleasure, personal gain and survival.

Today is one of those days when I again wonder how long I can keep that hope alive.
While knowing I don't really have any other choice but to keep going, and going, and going.
#Duracell

Deck: #DarkWoodTarot
Theme: "unleashing energy locked in repressed elements" "discover what you are made of"
Card: Queen of Swords (R) - The Articulator