Knight of Pentacles, Golden Thread Tarot

"Although his path is long and hard, filled with tasks that might be repetitive and tiring, giving up is not an option."

What I told ya yesterday...!
Countless times in life I've wanted to give up - but never did.
Never do.
No matter how meaningless it can feel, no matter how pointless every little thing can seem, no matter how heavy my body, no matter how dark my head.

Giving up just ain't on my to-do-list.

This Duracell rabbit keeps going and going and going and ...

I carry a ridiculously strong sense of responsibility for ... something.
And an equally strong feeling of 'not having what it takes' to carry it through.

It might have to with having mighty Saturn (responsibility) conjunct Jupiter (expansion/growth/healing).
In the first house. It's personal.
In Libra - balance is crucial.

It might have to do with Chiron squaring my (soul mission) nodes - dealing with my shit is included in the job description this time around!
And also, to some degree, "others' shit" - Chiron in the house of inheritance - 8th.
Someone(s) got to "break the trauma-pattern" (google Mastin Kipp)

Of course, we all carry wounds of our ancestors, to a varying degree (Eckhart Tolle's "collective painbody").
I've always (to my great horror) had a strange sense of "carrying a portal to collective darkness" within me. It's beyond all shades of "ordinary anxiety" when it opens. It's pure horror. Connected to nothing in particular. No thoughts, no particular place in the body, just excruciating horror "from nowhere" filling every fiber of my being.
Why?!
Less and less these days though, so I guess "I'm doing something right" :)

***

I'm determined to embrace and sit through all the darkness, to shed all the layers of conditioning covering my inborn happiness (Read Mo Gawdat's Solve for Happy).
I feel a great sense of responsibility (Saturn) for "finding" and bringing a message of hope and happiness (Jupiter) out in the world (Asc).
Though I myself so far only experience it in brief moments.
It is they say - "Authors write the books they need to read themselves" :)

Deck: #GoldenThreadTarot
Theme: "control through self knowledge and awareness"
Card: Knight of Pentacles