Side Moments

Recreated from another place (as this site was temporary locked down when this was written). Latest first.


I so badly want to paint something. I yearn creating, beauty, colour, shapes and art. But I am blank. It feels pointless.
I bring out some materials anyhow. Out in the gassing sun and ravinlgy lovely weather.
All I feel like is crying. I feel dead inside.
Which makes me feel ungrateful, and hence even worse.
But no tears come. It stays in a big lump in the chest.
It's like I'm all will, and no spirit.
All ego, no soul. Nothing enters, nothing leaves.

"I Am Arrangement" (I Am One Tarot)

I feel arranged. Not living. "Death". Visconti-Sforza Tarot - deck referring to "the system" and the rigid world. It works both ways. I feel dead and arranged/adjusted for a rigid made world of systems, but from the other perspective I deeply yearn to die away from the same world. Die, and start living.
It's a lovely day, but I can't enjoy that.

"It may be hard to breathe even when one is surrounded by the purest air" (Bosch Tarot - deck with skew perspectives and strange imagery) 

Of course. Machines don't breathe. Nor "enjoy".

I so badly want to be a part of something, but there is nothing I want to be a part of.
I get distressed by neighbours hammering and using band saws. Screaming children.
I so badly want to be somewhere else, but there is nowhere I really want to go.
Like my breeding cat, wandering alongside the fence all day, I yearn for life and freedom.

I can Yoga or Tai Chi my ass off, but that doesn't make me come alive. It's just further things I can make my body perform. I can make my body and brain perform all sorts of things. I can practice breathing techniques, but that is all it comes to for me - a technique. Calibrating the respiration function. Eventual sensation of peace is very much temporary.
Adding or terminating habits (including diets, methods, hobbies) doesn't really change anything in the core.

No matter how "mindful" - they are (no matter how "well intended") applied from the outside.
At least here in the West. As our cores and attitudes are innately different.

It really doesn't matter how much we recycle as long as we continue to buy, buy and overindulge.
Giving to charity what you don't use, just so you can make room for new stuff isn't really charity..?
Add or remove habits isn't change. Change have to come from the core and the inner attitude. A change in how, what and when to view and value resources. Tomorrow Uranus enters Taurus - the sign of just that: resources. He will globally demand this very change ("or else" - face the consequences).
For me it happens to be house 8 in my natal horoscope. 8 being my life path it feels rather important. The house of death and transformation.
Of course it feels deadly important for me to change. To die from the old, and transform into something new. Transform from a terrestrial larvae into a free flowing butterfly.

Adding habits isn't change - but the right ones are tools for it?
And the right ones aren't necessarily the ones you desire. The right ones aren't necessarliy easy and comfortable. Life isn't meant to be easy?
Especially when you have to grow through a asphalted pavement to find air.
The first time in life I felt true connection, true core answers and an indescribable rush of life was when I red Tao Te Ching - relief, and fear, as I felt as if I had the whole universe inside of me.
The first time I found a habit/tool that gave me relief and core answers to myself was when I found astrology.
The first time I felt true comfort was when I started to read C.G. Jung - although, that was after two weaks of major continuous death anxiety and agony, facing my greatest (known) fears.
The first time I found true comfort in my everyday living was when I commenced Tarot - although, that was a partial death and a really tough area to enter for my rational ego. "Putting money on such an irrational thing". Today I can't imagine living without it.
All that, and still I don't feel alive.
But, although I draw blank sitting beside my creative materials - watercolours, chinese brushes, markers, etc - I at the same time feel some sort of peace. Something in my soul smiles when I look at the colour chart of all the watercolours I have. I almost cried when I unpacked my first set of chinese brushes. It feels so right - but when it comes to using it all, I get blocked. Empty. It's such a strong feeling of wanting to express something (when I was I child I ALWAYS used to drew - mainly horses, but still) - but nothing makes sense, and nothing comes out..
I can turn on my will. I can perform. I can execute exercises, with farily good result, and make all sorts of appreciated gift cards. But nothing comes from the soul. Making gift cards feels somewhat alive - then I read the receivers inner core, and make something fitting for that. But nothing comes when I sit alone with myself. A lifelong "writer's block".
Unlike when I write. Words just washes out from me, like flood water. That's all good, and it is with great relief I write. But it's not alive. It's all words. It is not the thought that counts... It lacks colour and beauty in some way. It's hard? It's Yang?
It's not complete?
It's the cold High Priestess.
It's lacking The Empress - which I have drawn so many times the last days?
Also - a little tired of words and thoughts. I want to convert them into something. I lack images.
I'm a little bit tired of sitting in the school bench. So far it feels like my whole life has been about observation and schooling. Not knowing when the exam will take place, and not knowing what I am supposed to graduate in. (I very often dream about being in different mostly unfamiliar schools and such)

But anyhow. Maybe I have now found and acquired enough and right (for me) tools and made a foundation. Created an individual tool box - as all craftsmen need one. For an upcoming future. Not for immediate production? Preparations for an Uranian change?
As in Chinese Painting. It's a process to find your inner expression. Which firstly requires both material and knowledge. Acquisition of material - of right quality: "the treasures". Becoming familiar with the material and actually learning techniques.

"...the six principles offer the very framework through which an artist's individuality can be crystallized. To achieve this ability, the artist's technical skill must evolve to a high level before he or she is truly ready for self-expression. Only then does the brush become the medium through which the artist's inner feelings can be interpreted and expressed" ~Hsu, I Ching

The right seating, placement and approach. Meditatively grinding your ink, round and round.
It's all about the (ancient) process and building a stable foundation and inner peace. The actual act of painting is often relatively quickly "done".
What am I preparing for? I can't see it. I can't feel it.
What will my butterfly wings look like?

Yesterday I (among others) dreamed about bus number 323 (never heard of) which I got on, and received an odd red ID-card in card holder on, and tonight I dreamed of two white ceramic bowls of whipped cream. Almond cream and regular cream. The almond cream was mine, the regular belonged to an annoying little neighbour girl foreign to me that I sort of had to accept.
     I have dreamed about whipped cream a couple of times before. Often I am in the process of whipping, but the content in the bowl quickly decreases into nothing to my annoyance. So, I sense it as a progress that the bowls were full now, and where to be accessories to "fika".. Creaming being a thicker version of milk Milk being "nature's sports drink", giving strong bones.

Receptiveness. Dancing with life. Forget about yourself for a moment. See beoynd yourself. Let go and let in, without judgement.
   Illusions, choices. No choice, too many choices. Illusion of choice.

"The Seven of Water represents letting go and surrendering to the flow of life, and doing so with complete trust and faith. She is about relinquishing control over all relationships and outcomes, and believing that whatever unfolds in the future is what is meant to be. ...
     Now, content and satisfied, because she knows she has done everything she can, she lays back to rest, allowing herself to flow to the next moment and task.
     The need to control others, or a situation, is born out of fear. Whether that fear is about losing someone or something we love, of being alone, or is simply a fear of failure or missing out, we do what we can to maintain the illusion that we have control. But control is only an illusion, even if we would like to believe otherwise. ...
    Outcomes ... will also be influence by timing, circumstances, and othere people - both close to us and those of whom we have no knowledge. Because of this we can have only a partial influence, and the rest is up to fate. If we try to exert more influence and control, we risk sabotaging...
     How do you hold on to water? The future is not fixed; it is fluid and shifting and so vast with infinit possibilities that it cannot be contained.
    Allow it to be."
"The future will bring you what you need, not what you want"

(Dreams of Gaia - "if the earth could speek)

Why is all this so hard?
Letting go of an illusion.
It is one thing to see and accept the illusion. That's a fairly hard hit in the stomach of the ego, and a big bump in the road to overcome.
"What? Isn't what I want the same things that are best for me? Is there a difference between needs and desires? Am I not my habits? You got to be kidding... Is it me that have to be controlled, not life?!"

But how can it be so hard to let go of something you actually know is an illusion?
How can it be so hard to accept that what you desire doesn't make you happy?
And how can it be so hard to accept and adapt to the fact that you will be given what you need to be the happiest you can be if you just let go? How can it be so hard to trust life and live? How the hell can it be easier to trust an illusion?!

Why is it so god damned hard to take down that wall. Let go of the reins. Stop judging. To leave The Great Illusion behind and start living the very life you have been given?
Why can I not feel it?
Why is my imagination blocked?
Why doesn't "spirit" find it's way in?
What am I afraid of?
Why am I so cold?
Where is my fire?
I am doing it, but where am I? Performing but not perceiving it. Not fully there.
"Tell me what to do and I do it!"
Disturbingly lifeless.
Why is the ego so stubborn and seemingly impossible to make contact with. Almost as if deaf.
Paralyzed. Numb.

Creativity not to create, but to give receptiveness a gate and a pathway.
Creativity not for the result, but for creating and broadening of perspectives and perception.
Diversity in creativity for maintenance of flexibility and flow, to prevent stagnation, expectations, rational clinging and management by ego.
Communication not to talk, but for stability, extraction, connection, learning, progress and cultivation.
Presentation not for show or glory, but for connection, coherence, completeness, extraction and visual manifestation.
For (individual) growth/(re)birth, and making the chain link I am stronger.
By far the most important assignment I as a human have.
Now in terms of: co-operation natal Mercury(communication)-Chiron(wound-healing)-Nort Node(soul mission)-South Node("old foundation") vs transit Uranus(change-shake-science-invention)-natal Venus(receptivity-affection-beauty-resources). Scorpio(depth, taboo)-Taurus(stability)-Leo(limelight-shine-strength-confidence)-Aquarius(creativity-imagination) vs Aries(birth-active-daring)-Libra(balance-justice).

Begin anew begin again.
Something perceived as a setback is nothing but a form of death, and death brings fertile soil.
Death and rebirth. Circle of life.

Uranus is highly activated. Uranus shakes things up. Uranus demands change. And that 'pronto'.
Go with it, or suffer the consequences.

It's all in line with a lightning dream of mine.
It is not a test. It's forced growth.

It points out your weak sides and points.
And strengthening the weak points is the only way to true growth - not clinging to the already strong ones.
Knowing what your weak sides are but not strengthening them is in my perception worse than not knowing about them at all - from an evolutionary perspective.
    A chain is never stronger than it's weakest link. Ignoring or repressing weak sides helps no one.

Getting angry, being dragged down, or feeling hurt - it is all ok. Embrace it and be grateful that ju have just been shown where to focus and grow next. Sit together with the fellings for a while. Take a cup of coffee. Maybe cry a little. Then softly wipe the tears and gently convert the feelings to useful energy.

"I'm not cried out yet." Already as a child I had the need to get it all out, and not stifle it.

Allow it, get it up in the open, and convert it.

Stumble, fall, rise again, and sit down. Lean back. Breathe. Sense.
What happened?

Draw some cards.

I can continue to paint that which I am "good" at, or I can leave my comfort zone. Painting things I already know I "can" feels a bit pointless. Sure, it "looks nice" when I'm done. But then what?
But my ego isn't that happy with hitting new ground - as you obviously feel quite lousy doing something you suck at!

But rocking and shaking that ego is what growth is all about - as is highly topical Uranus.

"8 of Wands - Supernova.
...represents a dramatic rush of energy or an intense level of concentration. How can you make the most of this power surge?
    When a very large star reaches the end of its life it becomes a supernova. The star's core explodes, flingning layers of material far into space. ... Its lessons lies in channelling and focussing your fire into productive endeavours."
(Quantum Tarot)

How can I keep up with the intense energy?
What should I do?

"Receptivity represents the feminine, receptive quality of water and of the emotions. ...
     The Queen of Water brings a time of unboundedness and gratitude for whatever life brings, without any expectations or demands. Neither duty or thought of merit or reward is important. ...
     Listening is one of the basic secrets of entering into the temple of God. Listening means passivity. Listening means forgetting yourself completely - only then can you listen. When you listen attentively to somebody, you forget yourself. If you cannot forget yourself, you never listen. If you are too self-conscious about yourself, you simply pretend that you are listening - you don't listen."
(Osho Zen Tarot)

Uranus have not yet entered Taurus, and the next "big shock" (May 15th). He is still in Aries, opposing and shaking my Venus. The feminine, passive and receptive side of me. An innately weak/unstable point of mine. The passive and feminine is Central in the Eastern Culture. Central in Zen, and Chinese painting. Painting not what you see, but what you sense and feel. How you percieve the motive of your painting and how you feel painting it. The spirit and Qi of the object. Painting life, not a thing.
      Absurdly and insanely mentally difficult for me. I simply don't know how to do it. It's like growing a third arm - it feels impossible. It's like being forced to remember something I'm not even guilty of having forgotten. Trying to remember something forgotten generations and generations before me. Searching for miss-placed keys. Keys not mine, in a house I never seen, to a car I don't recognize, and don't know where to drive. But told that I have to do it all 'perferably yesterday', and that the car have a GPS already programmed with a destination.
     So I better get started... And get used to being uncomfortable and shaken and stirred.

(preceding moments)

(following moments)