What, and who, is meaningful?
A couple of days ago I decided to create a fourrings Instagram page. There I have begun to openly publish much of my Pencil&Brush exploration stuff.
Not sure about the purpose with this yet, but suddenly it felt like a leap I had to make. Get in (out) there, with my heart on the sleeve.
It's a vibrating Gemini New Moon in the skies, coinciding my natal moon.
"taking a calculated risk may be in your best interests, because this will help you deal with lack of confidence ... Nothing is guaranteed, but it might be time to put yourself out there."
To give without taking or awaking a desire for recognition.
To share without the need to be seen.
To show without showing off.
To tell without talking.
(Osho Zen Tarot)
Handling the ever lurking risk of getting distracted, inflated and/or crestfallen.
The continued search for Life, Inspiration and Connection.
(Journey Into Egypt Tarot)
Tempered exploration. Transparent exploration. Selfless exploration.
Exploring the unknown - where most can be learned. Exploring the depths of the unconscious. Exploration beyond fears, and beyond control. As the ticket to the unknown is to leave the known, and you cannot control the unknown, as you don't know it.
The unknown below and beyond my fears and my weaknesses.
But to go beyond them I have to be open to them, befriend them and go through (with) them. For them to exist I have to allow myself to be vulnerable - as they can't exist if you don't let them be a part of you. Controlling your fears and weaknesses separate you from them. It's more about controlling the adherent feelings and actions.
"There is a time and place for control, but if we put it in charge of our lives we end up totally rigid. ...not alive"
I feel rigid and dead. I dislike that. I want to get away from that.
I guess I am afraid to leave it. I dislike that.
And - I dislike to dislike.
"If you are uncontrolled, flowing, alive, then you are not nervous. There is no question of being nervous - whatsoever happens happens. You have no expectations for the future, you are not performing. Then why should you be nervous?"
I feel nervous. I feel cold. I yearn for Inspiration, spontaneity, uncalculated innocence and the warmth that comes with them. I yearn for relaxation and free-flowing energy.
"People don't look into each other's eyes, they don't hold hands, they don't try to feel each other's energy, they don't allow each other to pour - very afraid, somehow just managing, cold and dead, in a straitjacket."
(Osho Zen Tarot)
I long for the place beyond my weaknesses and fears.
I long to burn.
Not from passion, but from being alive.
It's not sickness. It's lifelessness.
The consequence when life have been continuously and systematically pushed, burned or boiled out of your body/system. For one reason or the other.
Living against (your own) nature.
Working your ass of isn't causing it. It's soulless, "mechanical", "routine" work that causes it. Wrong direction, wrong time, and or wrong place. Wrong purpose. Wrong goal. Working against (your own) nature.
A body doesn't break from hard work, but from wrong and stupid work. Wrong purpose or wrong goal.
Training to "blow of steam" does not solve the problem - the felt "up-built pressure". Anger. It only makes the tension get worked in and stuck in the system (body). The anger (tension/energy) gets locked up in the muscles. Eventually something brakes or gives up from that tension. The tension and anger are caused by inner imbalance, and have to be dealt with accordingly.
Action is very seldom the solution or cure.
That's the mars-way. The "male" way. (Not male as in man.) The yang way.
The (human) world is overfull with yang, and need more yin. (Not as in women or feminism.)
The (human) world need more softness. More calmness. More intuition. More reflection. More introspection, less surface. More patience. More spirit, less matter. More receptiveness, less reaction. Less control, more flow.
Increased yin, decreased yang.
Not meaning more women, less men - as the women merely are men in women clothes, because of the imbalance in yin/yang (because of ignorance, immaturity and lack of knowledge).
Not to achieved by demonstrations, galas, politics, actions, revolts.
Not by doing, but by being.
Changing way of thought. (written about below)
Changing way of being.
"This is the portrait of one whose whole life energy has been depleted in his efforts to keep fueling the enormous and ridiculous machine of [human] self-importance and productivity. He has been so busy "keeping it all together" and "making sure everything runs smoothly"...
The message of this card is not about being workaholic, though. It is about all the ways in which we set up safe but unnatural routines... and, by that doing so, keep the chaotic and spontaneous [yin] away from our doors.
"safe (but unnatural) routines". Is safety worth anything if it is at the expense of life and soul? Does the indoor cat appreciate "the safety", or does it long for living real life and having freedom? "Safety" typically causes dependence, not independence (freedom).
Makes us drones, not bees.
"Life isn't a business to be managed, it's a mystery to be lived."
"The real man acts spontaneously. If you ask him a question, your question gets a response, not a reaction. He opens his heart to your question, exposes himself to your question, responds to it..."
Not letting spontaneous natural chaos to exist inevitably creates (uninvited) destructive chaos.
Tonight I dreamed that I have had to get a new car. I got a car of same brand, but smaller. The smallest. Not a model existing. I felt that I sort of should be happy to have a brand new car, but I wasn't. I remember being at my parents', looking in some brochure or pamphlet over the different models. Trying to find the "0-100 performance" of the car. The motor displacement was 1,1 (1-one) litre. I couldn't find any value for my model. It's so lousy they don't even bother to test and write it... I hence assumed that it will "take the one afternoon to reach 100", with reference to the ridiculously small engine. I was highly displeased, and expressed that clearly. Now I could sense that the reason I had to change car was because my old (in reality present) car had boiled.
I knew the old car was much older than the new one, and sort of less reliable. But I loved it. It was quick, strong, and also: Quattro. I expressed my thoughts on wanting to switch back. "I used to be so afraid driving in winter conditions before I had Quattro, I don't want to go back to that..." My father just answered that I could "borrow one of his cars with 4-wheel drive when I needed that". He apparently had many cars. I was not pleased with that answer. Isn't that an annoyance? Living two hours away that would be just so troublesome. "I want to be able to just take the car and drive".
Car being a symbol for how we "drive our life". (car)
I frequently dream of the different cars I've had. 2 black ones, 1 dark blue and my present pomegranate red appear in, by the unconscious, delicately orchestrated ways. Sometimes other cars appear. My father's car(s), and often silver metallic unfamiliar ones.
I am working a lot on changing my way of being and living, and driving my life. It is very much a new start. Motor 1,1. One, twice. It's sort of my second life. A rebirth. Rebirth to awareness and wholeness - one.
It is a slower way of life. Less immediate reactions. "Take an afternoon to make a bypass". I certainly don't feel the same control. I don't have the same grip. There is no Quattro.
My yang-ego is not super happy about all this change. But, hopefully, it makes room for more yin. My contribution to the "raise of yin" (not feminism). Raise of softness, patience and receptiveness.
Having two uterures I am certainly innately meant to be receptive, "whether society or my yang-ego wants it or not". Nature doesn't really care what "society" thinks. Driving my car in on the roads and in the direction "society" wants inevitably burns and boils it. Burns the living soul out of me. "Exhaust and depresses" me. Nothing sick with that. Most naturally actually. Nothing to really complain about.
But it is certainly with resistance (even though futile - yesterday's theme) I change my car for one with less reaction and grip. One with no Quattro (system) supporting me when the road gets slippery and snowy, which I am so used to now.
A car where speed and performance aren't of value, and are not (can't be) measured. A car not made for bypasses.
"Life isn't a business to be managed, it's a mystery to be lived."
"The Borg co-opt the technology and knowledge of other alien species to the Collective through the process of "assimilation": forcibly transforming individual beings into drones...
The Borg's ultimate goal is "achieving perfection".
'y o u w i l l b e a s s i m i l a t e d; r e s i s t a n c e i s f u t i l e' " (Wiki)
I haven't really seen Star Trek, but there is a shitload of symbolism in it - of course it captures millions of people, and almost creating sects.
Because people need a 'beloning'. People need context. People are of sheep-mentality, and want to be in a herd.
Creating so many weird "religions". Out with Christianity, in with sports, politics, celebrities. Same shit different name.
Almost. Religion in it's creation celebrates life, development, growing, maturity, enlightenment, etc. The others celebrates the human vanity. Creating a very strange superficial mechanical world, filled with erratic drones. Rushing in this direction and that, chasing pleasure, fame, money, and so on and so forth.
And my God how hard it is to get out of this buzzing hive.
My logical mind and gut tells me that it is the only way to find life. To leave it.
But the innate sheep in me resists. The part of me which is raised in the hive insist on that life is were the buzzing is.
But the buzzing comes not from bees collecting nectar, it comes from drones serving the system.
Resistance is futile.
In both directions.
Resist the system and you get cast out.
Without salary you're not much worth. Without money you are of no value to the system. You're not allowed to entry.
Without a "sickness" you get no attention.
If you don't scream no one hears you.
If you don't show of off one sees you.
You cease to exist.
But if I don't refuse the system I resist life.
I die. I physically feel how life flows out of my body, leaving me ice cold and shivering, as the inner flame dies out.
Being nothing but a life-less drone, buzzing and rushing, makes no sense to me.
It is killing the 'I' I am to contribute to the "machinery searching perfection", were life has no room. A world and society were 'mindfulness' and 'body-awareness' is something you do (for perfection and temporary calmness), not a way of being, living, and a foundation in everything you do (for harmony and peace).
Cease to exist or die?
Many choose the second. Understandable - the first kind of death is more troublesome to live with. It requires all of your awareness, all your will and strength, and all your courage - all the time. It requires strong belief, trust in the unseen, new perspectives, sharpening of attributes, and development of new capabilities. It requires leaps of faith into the undiscovered, hidden, irrational, improbable, and feared.
When you struggle with low self-esteem - having natal Achilles nagging your natal sun - you easily get stuck in the middle. Going neither direction (or uncertainly running between them).
That's a rather empty, purposeless and hopeless place. A place I am all too familiar with, and quite fed up with by now.
I WANT to move, I want to act, I want to do. My strong Mars (planet of anger and action) is trampling like a caged lion, and snorting like a furious bull - but there is just so much resistance and uncertainty, leaving me paralysed.
I have weakened and sent my frustrated Mars off in wrong direction so many times before in my life, chasing something to light up my inner flame (he is on good terms with Vesta - but she is in my hidden house - and he easily runs over my weak Venus). Hence I am afraid to 'fail' again. That makes him angry and frustrated. That disrupts my feelings, and set them of in diverse directions - Mars being in opposition to my Gemini (twin) moon. Mars is also in some conflict with Jupiter (expansion) and Saturn (time, transformation, responsibility, limitations). Etc. So on and so forth.
My inner doubts are being highlighted now, as there is a full moon any hour now - just beside my natal sun-Achilles. Reflecting it all back to me, just as she reflects the physical Sun when the night is falling over Earth.
"El Auria: Angel of the flame. Change of plans....grudges still present." (Shining Angels Tarot)
"but I have..."
"My perception was that..."
"I want to..."
When my plans get changed my harmony (Harmonious Tarot) easily gets disrupted. I get caught in my own set up plans and thoughts (swords). Distressing thoughts (9 of swords).
"grief, loss, negative energy" (Harmonious Tarot)
Caught in "why", "no", "but".
One part (maybe exalting mars) wants to forcefully press on. Get the "great, well thought, plan" through.
Another part (maybe weak Venus) gets hurt. Feels shame. What did I do wrong...? What should I have done or planned differently? Why is this happening to me? The low self-esteem (sun-Achilles) trembles in the foundation of me. My courage vanishes. My inner flame gets blown out, and I want to quickly adjust, please and solve the problem, and get the fire started again (Vesta in Virgo). But can't (house 12).
Then I suddenly lock down. Can't think. Can't feel.
Caught between a rock and a hard place...
"Guilt is one of the most destructive emotions we can get caught in. ... when we punish ourselves for our failures by feeling guilty, we can get locked into a cycle of despair and hopelessness that robs us of all clarity about ourselves and the situations we encounter. ... it is absolutely natural to go astray from time to time. Just learn from it, move on..." (Osho Zen)
I dislike this place and lock-down.
The ego highly dislikes the...
"...interruption of action" (Secret Tarot)
The so well thought through and planned action.
So why then? Really why? Not "why did my plans get crumbled", but "what's the reason? What's the hidden meaning - secret (secret tarot)?
Nothing happens by chance... Or to "spite me".
There are greater plans than mine.
Again - maybe just this was meant to happen?
This "manipulative set-up".
I feel a theme and a trend.
Changes of plans.
Shaking in the foundation - Taurus.
Transformation - house 8.
Accept shake and change, and - preferable - take the opportunity to accept, reflect, learn and grow. Not get broken, not get mad.
Was the plans astray (Osho above), or did I go astray when they didn't "work"?
I lean towards the second. That it is about standing strong, accepting, embracing, redirecting. To strengthen my foundations - learn to handle and convert my anger and stubbornness. Gently bend and rise when it stops blowing. Like high, durable and bendable grass. Strength is to be gentle and soft. The sharper the blade on the knife, the more fragile. The harder, the more brittle.
And plans..? This tiny humans plans.
Good or bad plans? Who am I to say. I can only focus and pay attention to my little part of reality. If they were right and good from all perspectives (including those outside mine) they would have "worked", wouldn't they? So why this block? What to learn from the resulting situation - and inner turmoil?
What are plans?
Plans are thoughts.
"Thought creates reality."
My very own reality.
"But what if you are a figment of your own imagination or the imagination of a god mind? What if you were something else dreaming of being human - or only existing because someone, or something, is dreaming of you?"
That I thought of often as a child. "What's to say that what I perceive is day-night and reality really is that? Maybe I am just a part of someones dream?" "Maybe my life is just someone's dream?"
"We may think we are real, possessing a solid, physical form. We may think our world is what it is, but, at a quantum level, research suggests that the world around us does not exist unless we focus our attention upon it."
Hence - what I focus on is real - reality - for me. But how little one single person can focus on...! How narrow and small to let that "little" take such a precedence in my sense of well-being... So irritating to be so small. I don't like it.
How about the realities of all the others in the situation that bothers me? Why focus on my perception?
"You may think that the table or chair in front of you is there. Your senses and mind give it substance and form, and so therefore it is, but at a quantum level, the table does not exist until you focus your mind and attention upon it."
"Your thoughts, the way you think, shape and create the world around you"
Hence the best way to change, is to change the way of thought. Not habits.
"...from a scientific standpoint, though still remains a mystery. Neuroscientists are learning the mechanics of thought, but why it occurs is not yet known..." (Dreams of Gaia Tarot on Thought, card XVIII)
"XVII The Star - String Theory.
Quantum theory and general relativity - the two landmark discoveries of the 20th century physics - have revolutionised the way we understand the world. But there's one problem; they don't work together. ... for more than 50 years, physicists have struggled to combine these two ideas into one grand, unified theory that describes the universe.
At last, the string theory offers the real possibility of unification. In the standard model of physics, subatomic particles are seen as tiny points. String Theory replaces these points with vibrating loops or strings. ... The only problem is that strings are unimaginably small and at the moment there is no way of observing or measuring them. Until a method can be found the theory cannot be proved.
This is a card of spiritual awakening, expanded consciousness and vision. We become aware of the boundless energy of the universe; how it flows through everythin, including us" (Quantum Tarot)
In this perspective it feels quite small to get caught up in my own temporary reality. My own plans and the thoughts focused on those particular plans. Get swept away by emotions relating to the very same.
"Two of Cups - Equilibrium. The cup as a container symbolizes the management of your feelings... Emotional stability, like the river, means going with the natural flow of your feelings. Yet, like the duck vase, ride on top of these emotional waters... This requires a meditative state of mind and heart, to be feeling and apart from your feelings as you acknowledge them without judgement.
Equilibrium derives from emotional self-sufficiency..." (Voyager Tarot)
Equilibrium. Scale. Libra.
I have Libra house 1 - the house of Self - and 4 of the 10 "basic astrological planets" in it. Saturn and Jupiter conjunction Ascendant, and Venus and Pluto in a stellium with Lilith and Juno. Pallas Athena in retrograde in opposing house.
Quite some divergent forces to mediate between.
"I" constitute a infinitesimal part of the universe, but still it is a distinct part to me.
So yes. Easily swept away. Easily I go astray. But it is about experience.
If i don't experience it I can't learn about it.
This is what I study - so I will have to continue to experience.
Get swept away - irritated, uncomfortable, angry, sad, sorry, hurt - and regain balance.
Stronger and stronger as an individual - but also more and more experienced in the field of study.
Becoming the best possible version of myself - and doing my best to enlighten myself, broaden my perspectives and contribute to evolution (and not counteract it).
It's quite the challenge to rise above your own so heartfelt reality and observe and learn about the workings of the universe. Hence it takes large amounts of time to study it. This time-consuming alternation between above mentioned experiencing and observation/analysis. As it is basically impossible to do them both at the same time. Because to experience something you sort of have do be attached, emotionally present and invested - analysis and observation requires quite the opposite. Detachment and distance. For this my inherent (hard-to-manage) mix of touchy sensitivity and cold detachment is a useful tool.
As I am a part of what I study - the unconscious and inner ("not to be proven" - Quantum Tarot above) workings of the universe - it has to be this way.
Schizophrenia? Wrong gender? Homo-bi-trans? ADHD? Depression?
So much labels, so many words.
So much ignorance and fear.
So narrow knowledge.
I am Yin energy, trapped in Mars Ego, trapped in female body. Yin-yang-yin in conflict and imbalance.
Soul, trapped in body, trapped in life-less world of systems of opinions. Bird in a lifeless cage, not being able to sing nor fly.
It would not solve anything to interfere with my body (change gender, bigger boobs)
It would not solve anything to get a partner - neither male nor female.
It wouldn't solve anything to take drugs - neither prescribed ones chosen ones (happy pills, alcohol)
It wouldn't solve anything to "find an outlet". (yoga, running, weight-lifting, mushroom-picking, knitting, parties, climbing,...)
It wouldn't solve anything to take my life.
They would all only push the real problem further down (and create "sickness", tensions, injuries, accidents) and eventually onto someone else - someone already existing, or someone coming after "me" (in the dimension of time).
The problem in the hidden and repressed. The core in the unconscious. The task from the universe. Our part in the evolution.
I started this day with drawing 10 cards from 10 different decks. 9 of the cards came up reversed.
The only one upright was Mibramig Tarot - 'reluctance towards responsibility'
Quite an obvious image.
Cut to the core. Which typically is emotionally painful. Requires large amounts of detachment from feelings (heart). Detached logical thinking (swords). It typically hurts the ego - who is the primary one experiencing the feelings.
It's uncomfortable. It's "for adults only".
I have been "depressed" for a very large part of my life. But I haven't felt sick.
Sure, it's a lousy feeling, and terrible to be stuck with, but not sick. In my perception. Beyond that personal feeling of ...crap... it feels (to my dissatisfaction) most natural. Inevitable.
I've been seriously depressed for a large part of my life.
Countless working weeks (when I was "working like ordinary people") was followed by weekends of almost continuous crying. Crying and emptiness, much like after the loss of someone near and dear.
I was still productive. I did all sorts of things, and that pretty damn good. But while continuously crying and basically wanting to die. But I didn't feel I had that right. Nothing was wrong, in some indescribable way.
And then the Monday came, and a new weak started. Circle after circle.
That was how I used my capability to detach from feelings back then.
Now I use it for investigation, research and science - in pursuit of truth, life and health. At the request of Universe and evolution.
I am still, by definition, quite depressed. But as it happens, I need it. For my research, and for finding my way. You have to have access to the thing you study, and when your assigned study field is the unconscious you have to experience it in yourself. You can't study anxiety and depression through and in others. Especially not new theses. You can't find new things by someone else's dissections. You have to be the one cutting, and that in yourself. And if nothing is wrong - nothing can be found. If everything feels good and like a summer vacation - the black and uncomfortable can't be learned and experienced. And that in firsthand - not through books and others.
Especially when it comes to the field of the unconscious. Where there are no explicit pictures and concrete data. And almost all available "statistics, information and numbers" are based on, and collected by, non-detached humans. And also, humans with very poor knowledge of the unconscious. "Microscopes and pills people".
No light without darkness. Light is unnecessary if there isn't a darkness to light up. Without black there are no right conception of white. You can't have one without the other. If you try you will fail. We have failed. Insisting on light without darkness, treating darkness as sickness, only fuels it.
So. I need my severe anxiety, mood swings and depression.
Or. I am configured and programmed with a task, and given the required capacities, properties and reactions for that.
Whether I like it or not. (I think it will be a while before I really like it though)
It's many levels of acceptance to walk through.
Adjusting to the fact of being born into a task and configuration that makes it almost impossible to feel real and true happiness and joy. At least for the foreseeable future.
Adjusting to the fact that you have to work with the thing most frightening to you.
Adjusting to the fact that even though it may not make you (at least not immediately) explicitly happy, it is the happiest possible path - no one else is better (many tried and failed roads certifies that).
Adjusting to the fact that it wasn't what 'you' planned..!
Adjusting to the fact that there are no teachers, guidance or company (so far).
But the more you do all that adjusting, the more bearable and durable it gets. There are days I wake up temporarily adjusted, and then I feel strong as a tiger and beautiful as a rose in full bloom!
"A heavy burden is not a burden if we understand its value"
(Circle of Life Tarot)
The search for truth and life in a shallow, superficial and materialistic world (and consequently depression and misery), where there is more focus on what we do than how and why we do it. More focus on and interest of what we do than on who we are and what we sense - and why.
A world were we primarily engage in what interests our ego, and see what we want to see. Turn away from what we don't like or are afraid of. Facing only the fears we want to face. Making compromises were it suits us.
Occupied with other's faults and mistakes, afraid of facing our own weaknesses.
A world were sports and politics are governing - stars and horoscopes not.
A world of immature defiance. Reluctance to grow up.
The ego - the supposed to be middleman, between the inner core/essence/soul and the physical body - reigns. The ego acting God - when it is in fact should be a mediator between inner and outer. Inner-inner, not egocentric inner.
I only remember 1 very distinct fragment from tonight's dreams. I held up and showed my hand for someone. "Look at my charcoal black nail polish!" But the strange thing, not really registered in the dream, was that my hand and skin was also pitch dark. Not negro-brown-dark - but totally stark black. As on the above pottery image (found today, when googling 'amazionian' seen on above card).
Amazonian black, apparently.
"Herodotus also claimed that the Amazons had a marriage custom that forbade a young woman to marry until she had killed a man in battle."
Kill the Yang (male-man) ego in the middle. This written down already ~500 years before our dear Jesus was born.
Ego-god in the middle hindering life. Refusing to go below what's comfortable. Creating depression (amongst others).
But maybe not so much killing as dethroning.
The soul - energy from the (black) unconscious - is pushing on. If the ego wont listen-compromise-take the dialogue, it will (sooner or later) be killed by the black "female" (unconscious) forces. And with that drag the Human race with it. The unconscious is furious. Black and furious.
I am one of it's spokesmen. The Devil's Advocate, as mentioned before.
Not long ago I had a dream were I was in a unfamiliar flat, visiting unfamiliar people. They were "spiritual" people. I was uncomfortable. But soon I got seated in front of a lady who I think was skilled in horoscopes. I didn't really want to hear anything, as I have made myself a quite broad picture already, and was afraid that it would wake my insecurity up to hear someone else's theories. But I sat dawn and mentioned just bits and parts for her. Telling her about my stellium in Libra for example. But after just a few words from me she exclaimed: "You must not have sex!"
Maybe because I'm still to much ego? I still "haven't killed a man", and are therefore not marriage material! And as we all know: no sex before marriage.
Depression (anxiety) is not sickness. It's generations of 'male' stubbornness. Not listening to intuition - "repressing women". Popping "feminist" just confirms-mirrors the true problem/cause. It's not male-female imbalance - it's yin-yang. Ego-unconscious.
(But it helps to study the mirrored effects in the "real" world)
Calling depression sickness sort of makes it worse - as it is just a question of a highly natural consequence!
"Reversed: ...feeling removed from the world, detached and disinterested from things that ordinarily give your life meaning." (Mystical Cats)
Trying to "fit in", do what you should (according to the built up system) makes you depressed and disinterested, as it kills your living soul, which is craving another direction. Calling out - and being labelled sick but not really feeling it (as you aren't) doesn't help at all.
Going that other direction inevitably makes you "not fit in" and detached from the world - and (at least initially, if configured as me) hence, depressed. As everyone has a deep need for companionship, connection and context. And going to the church just wont do it for me...
It's a moment 22.
But no matter how difficult, the answer is quite easy. Follow the path of life, not society nor the system - which is heading for the wall.
Hoping that companionship and connection appear along the way. Firstly within myself.
"He met many different people with many different cups. One day, he met a young woman whose cup seemed to mirror his own. They visited for hours, days, weeks, and months. Time became meaningless between the two of them.
...the unity in harmony of the two. It can refer to a balance in emotional opposites"
(Ellis decK - 'wanting')
"Pos4: The new will now flourish. Your earthly and spiritual life can now meet and this will create a new possibility for happiness. You will become relaxed and therefore want to encompass life in a different way than before. You may very well ... find a ... spiritual connection, ..., something you have longed for."