In the Moment 3

(Earlier moments).

Waking up rather irritated. A mechanic had reassembled my car wrong. It was an old car of mine. It was my friend who had taken car of the whole thing.  
    The whole front of the car was re-mounted the wrong way - the headlights were facing inwards, into the car. No wonder the lights were so bad yesterday evening/night... Not totally dark, but worse than usual. There were namely some kind of lamps 'in the back of the front' (normally inside the dream-car) - now heading forward - that lit up a little.
    Incompetent mechanic! My friend also told that he had recommended a change of motor in the car. What? Why in the world would I put that kind of money on such an old car?! It would cost more than the car. Stupid, stupid man.
    It was a dark-skinned mechanic. Not 'my usual (dream)mechanic from Dalarna', who was unavailable for some reason. It was in the ordinary workshop though.

Irritated awakening. But not explicitly angry, as other times. So, I didn't bother to engage in the irritation, dreams or put more thought on it. Instead I followed my will, and started up some work. As I (my ego) felt yesterday as a bit of a standstill. I wanted to 'DO' something now.
      It did not go well. Not outright bad, but shaky and clumsy. Impossible to find the flow. It became more and more obvious that I was putting energy in the wrong thing - at least for the moment. Now the anger bubbled up. Realising I had "fallen into the trap" and had flipped on my personal will for "production" and execution of the wrong thing - or wrong time at least. Damn...
    But from another perspective the exact right time(!) Exactly this was meant to happen! Hence the ego perceive it all as a fucking manipulative unavoidable set-up! Adding fuel to the anger.
     I was meant to start things up - and "fail"..!? *murmur* 
The "soul" on the other hand is quite satisfied with it all. I sensed it! I sensed the lack of flow - and changed direction! A capacity I so long for. "Sensing spirit/life/flow". OK, in this case 'lack thereof', but still. Baby steps (intestines on the outside).

The ego angrily fixates on the evil set-up. Having been forced to "turn the lights inwards" (turned front of the car), by "dark foreign forces" (unfamiliar negro mechanic). Face the anger (black car - anger, fears, shadows). Not "work around it" (avoidance by ignorance - or fear).
Friend overseeing it all in the dream is a friend symbolising 'having discipline'. 

So. Stop. Pause. Draw some cards. (started working before any cards were drawn this morning).
Face the lights inwards. Light up that anger. Not ignore it, not just allow it to exist and be, and wait it out - as have been the method for a while. Avoiding direct confrontation, but not repressing it. That was the 'first  phase'. What my capacity allowed me. Being alone with no help and all that.
Time to turn the lights.

"The breadth of our dreaming imagination would astound any other species, for it extends into ancestral memory ... as well as present experience. ...
    The fears that overtake you are just that: fears. ... Avoidance and denial have not served you, and you are now in a position of strength to make real changes in your life" (Mystical Cats Tarot - 'independence, integrity, mystique)

Samurai Tarot - duty, bushido.
Doing the duty of facing the shadows (go out in the night), with your dim lantern light (the strange internal lights in the car).
Seeing through illusions (7 of Cups)

"With this card you have arrived at your own personal "gate of fear", the edges of your own capacities. If you are one kind of person, you will be stopped at this point. If you are a different typ of person, you will find a way to rise above and outsmart the appearance of your supposed limits. W7 challenges you to compete with yourself and strive for a 'personal best' against your past self-esteem blocks and inhibitions. ....
    The 7 staffs suggest seven ways of getting things done; the achiever is the one who has investigated all the options, who can then act from knowledge rather than theory. ... out real accomplishments that have potential results for the betterment of people's lives."
(Holy Light Tarot)

After the debacle of the wrongly mounted car there was a scene at my 'ordinary mechanics' place. A gang of thugs intruded, and started eating from large plates of sugar cakes, which his mother so kindly had baked and prepared for her sons upcoming birthday party a in couple of days (birthday - growing, reaching/passing a milestone). Not cookies, not buns - different kinds of sugar cakes. I clearly remember a freshly looking yellow one.
       I quickly estimated the number of different sorts of cakes to be at least 7 (7 staffs and 7 cups above).
The 4th card in today's morning quadruple was:

The thugs could only take 1 or 2 pieces of cake before they were stopped. So most of it was left for the up-coming festivities.
     "Meant to happen" (manipulative set-up) - by a mum (Eve/intuition/sensation/Venus - perceived as manipulation/snake by ego) in beforehand prepared cakes (quickly absorbable energy-food), for hitting a milestone (birthday - yellow).
     Thugs intruding, but being stopped- will/ego trying to interfere and use the available energy for personal benefit/personal agenda/wishes outside the schedule of the Universe, but quickly terminated.

(I am fittingly enough born with a rather patient stomach and effective metabolism - created with quite the capacity to eat, process and convert both this and that)

Finally - I also had yet another school dream tonight.
Life is nothing but a never-ending learning, with no final exam. Just a final judgement.


"The Zen master is not a master over others, but a master of himself"
no private goals
"His disciples gather around him not to follow him, but to soak up his presence and be inspired by his example. In his eyes they find their own truth reflected..."
if you are able to find such a master you are blessed
If you cannot - keep searching
"Beyond mind, there is an awareness that is intrinsic"
not given to you by the outside - not an idea
Your life-work is to become aware of all that is 'mind' and disidentify yourself from it.
"That very separation is the greatest revolution that can happen to  man."
Identify the ego - and disidentify yourself from it.
"....possible only if the master inside you is awake."

"...the mind, the servant, is playing the role of the master. And the servant is not even your servant; the servant is created by the outside world, it follows the outside world and its laws."
Laws based on humans' opinions, made up values, pipe dreams and desires - not the laws of nature and innate needs.
There is no blissfulness more precious than freedom - being a master of yourself.
(Osho Zen)

Following not outside laws, but the bidding of nature. Living with, in and beside nature - not trying to be above it and use it for your own pleasure, pipe dreams and gain, and suffer the consequences.

"This is the card of the collective unconscious. ...
Learn to appreciate and enjoy your connectedness.
Sense your role as part of the great stream of life."
"The Moon calls hidden emotions to light. Ancient feelings and instincts come to the fore..."
"Give your dark sides space, without delivering yourself up to the. Get to know the "strangers in the night" better. Get used to them and them to you"
"Find a sensible attitude to that which is no longer calculable and not just rationally comprehensible."
(Aleister Crowley's the Thoth Tarot)

Iron Man
(Heart of Stars Tarot)

"You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete"
* Buckminster Fuller *


Tonight I underwent a complex but vague operation. I didn't really know what or why, but understood it was extremely important. It was somewhere in the stomach area. I think it primarily involved my intestines, but also something more in there. As mentioned it was something highly complex and difficult. And it couldn't be completed in one session. I don't really remember the operation, but I know I was awake during it. But I never looked down at the area. Something I was careful not to do during the whole dream. I never looked down. Probably afraid of what I might see? As long as I didn't look I felt OK with the whole thing, and maybe I was afraid that I would panic if I looked down at it? Further, I was surprised that I didn't feel anything at all from the procedure. I specifically registered just that in the dream. I was generally filled with quite a weird feeling and sensation. Not really knowing what was going on, and very little I could do but to be calm, careful and patient. Which I managed quite well - as long as I didn't look down.     
     Mostly I remember the scenes after the procedure. Going around, still open in some fashion. Open, and of course extremely vulnerable - having parts of my insides outside, I guess. It was a very strange feeling. I walked around with very small and careful steps. Nothing was wrong with the situation, it was just how it had to be. I think. I don't remember for how long I was supposed to go like this. Before "completion" of the surgery. Maybe I was some sort of guinea-pig for something new, so they actually didn't really know either? Basically, a rather vague situation.     
        In this "condition" I went to the stables. To check my horse, and her newborn foal. I couldn't be present during the birth because of my operation, but some woman had taken care of it all. Quite the comfort to have had good help with that. I knew and felt it had gone well. Now when I entered the stables (a familiar stable) she was walking the mother and her foal around, inside the stable. As you can't let them get out-out right in the beginning, but you want them to stretch their legs a little. I felt grateful having the support from the woman, as I couldn't really do anything at the moment. Though, I remember shortly feeling a bit concerned and having anxiety regarding the foal. A small feeling of fear that it was a weak and doomed foal? But when I saw them walk around they sure looked healthy. Maybe everything will be OK then? Me and the woman  then started to discuss the colour of the foal. It didn't have "the usual" colour. I said "it is browner", and it had a light coloured mane. Especially towards the head. And then a much darker, almost black, head. "It is probably a roan?" We agreed on that. A colour not typical, apparently. I then added "maybe brown roan?" I also quickly registered that the mother horse was of pinto colour.
      Eventually I left the crowded stable, then suddenly from a second floor or some loft. It was not a staircase. More a kind of ladder. I had to take it really careful with my strange stomach wound, and maybe even outside hanging intestines/organs.

(Cosmic Tribe Tarot)


Waking up a little giggly and almost as if smitten. Feelings aimed at nothing in particular. Just in general. It's like...
No wait. Why try to describe it when my dreams have done it for me.

Tonight I had some dinner plans. Two dates, two nights in a row. Two different men, but both very nice. One man I had met once on a party many years ago, at a friends place. Met him once after that I think, but it wasn't "the right time and place" then. I was very curious how everything would feel now. The other man had a slight connection to my workplace. A man I know only briefly knew. It was with anticipation I looked forward to meeting them both, and get to know them. (Man 1 I think looked like an not so famous actor, and the other is a nice acquaintance from an old workplace in real life)
    It's was a very nice, sort of bubbly, feeling having these dates awaiting, as it was a long time since I had a date with a man.Or even met someone even close to wanting to have a date with... But now 2! The first meeting was already the next evening, on a Thursday. 
    I told a couple of close friends about it. At least one of them were i little bit concerned and sceptic. Dating 2 men at the same time? I didn't really see the fuzz. I wasn't exclusive with any of them, and it was only first dates. Eating some food. "Playing the field" I answered back. As I recall they say so often on TV shows and films. And for the first time I could feel exactly that. No bad conscious, no worries nor ifs and buts Just anticipation!
    I was counting the hours. Both dates was in the same town. Don't remember if it was the same restaurant. But a town close to home, so no problems with getting there and back. Basically nothing at all to worry about or "plan".
    I registered to myself that man #1 I had contact with only through an old phone. The phone I had when I met him at that party back then, so somehow I could only get in touch with him through that one. So I reminded myself to remember to have both my new and old phone with me, but also thought it as convenient to "have them separated" that way. The old phone was a Nokia 3510i, but with antenna I think. (I had one of those, and it surfaces in my dreams every now and then) It is dark blue and orange. Hence, "connection with both the past and the present", in a rather pleasant way not encountered in dreams before.


So lets make a little connection to the past then shall we?
All the way back to 2001. (Not unlikely just about the time when I had that phone)
Made a lot of Calvin and Hobbes drawings at that time. Some quite spot on to what I have come to work with and do with miy life!

Running away from unseen fears. Sobbing and feeling discouraged/cryng out.
Facing it all - stripping/separating myself - dying/killing my old self.
Reassembling the bits and pieces more appropriately - being reborn stronger.

Jumping in that pool of the unconscious and take a real look at myself. Enlightening myself. Finding the true source to my different masks, applied habits and un-necessary attitudes.

More than once I sense regret and find the task overwhelming, and impossible to solve.

More than once I get panic, finding that I am born with far to few hands to get a grip of it all. Will it drop down on my head and drown me before I get it/there?


"There is a tremendous sense of exhilaration if we can take the jump and move into the unknown, even if the idea scares us to death. And when we take trust to the level of the quantum leap, we don't make any elaborate plans or preparations. ...
   And with trust, something immense opens up. Then life is no longer ordinary life, it becomes full of God, overflowing."

(Osho Zen)

It's a challenge not to get discouraged by past events and earlier experiences ("sceptic old friends" - dream above)!


"I've been staring at the edge of the water
Long as I can remember

Never really knowing why

I wish I could be the perfect daughter
But I come back to the water
No matter how hard I try

Every turn I take, every trail I track
Every path I make, every road leads back
To the place I know where I cannot go

Where I long to be

See the line where the sky meets the sea?
It calls me
And no one knows
How far it goes


I know everybody on this island seems so happy, on this island

Everything is by design [surface-matter-superficial]
I know everybody on this island has a role, on this island
So maybe I can roll with mine

I can lead with pride, I can make us strong
I'll be satisfied if I play along [?]

But the voice inside sings a different song


And it seems like it's calling out to me


If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know
How far I'll go"

(~Moana Theme Song~)

"Water is the commonest symbol for the unconscious"

A Cone of Love
A Cone of Love


Following Moments

(preceding moments)