In the Moment 10

Earlier moments.


"...the relationship between money and consciousness."

"I suggest that before you reading any further, you take a few moments to close your eyes, and think about what the word prosperity means to you."

***

Ok. I'll try.

) To contribute to something i believe in, and feel passionate about
) Prosperity for All of (in) Me - including my soft and true feminine qualities
) To live on resources that I feel I deserve
) Waking up in the morning feeling passion and the inner fire
) Flow 
) Having someone to share the prosperity with !

***

"We seem to work longer and harder and yet find ourselves missing many important aspects of life - relaxation, intimacy, spiritual connection, fun."

"There is always the possibility of losing a fortune through a bad investment, mismanagement, a lawsuit, a worldwide financial depression, or some other unforeseen calamity. Even a high degree of financial stability cannot bring emotional security."

"...prosperity has less to do with money than most of us believe."

***


"Prosperity is the experience of having plenty of what we truly need and want in life, material and otherwise."

***

Prosperity is...

"...an internal experience, not an external state..."

"...is in some way related to money, it is not caused by money."

"...possible to experience ... at almost any level of income, except when we are unable to meet our basic physical needs."

_____

"If we think that money has the power to bring us prosperity, we give away our personal power to money. When we give our power away to anyone or anything we ultimately feel controlled by that person or thing."

"We fixate on money because we see it as the means to obtaining the things we really want. Often we forget that it is only the means, ..."

_____

Any advice on how to get out of the Money Monster's grip?

(dreamed of a palpable, seemingly meaningless 
close-up on George Clooney's
face the other night
)

"1) Discover what we truly need and want
2) Develop the ability to bring those things into our lives
3) Recognise, appreciate, and enjoy what we have"

"Everyone one of us is born into this life with the innate power to make our contribution and to create fulfilment for ourselves. However, this power needs to be developed. Most of us have been wounded during the course of our lives in ways that cause us to doubt or deny our own true power. Feeling somewhat helpless to meet our own needs, we repress them."

"Deep inside, we feel great yearning, but we don't know exactly what it's for. So we focus on external things..."

       "...hoping they will bring us satisfaction. Some of them do and some don't, depending on how closely they match what we really want. Ultimately, we don't find last satisfaction until we consciously acknowledge our true needs and desires, and learn how to fulfil them"

"What do you need on each of these levels: spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical?"

I'll have to come back with that list! 

"True prosperity develops as we learn to follow our heart's true desires [note: not to be confused with cravings] and live in balance with ourselves. As we develop this kind of internal integration, we naturally live in greater harmony with others and with the natural world."

But what about the ... unnatural ... world...?


"In the modern world, however, most of us choose a lifestyle in which we must deal with money. Therefore our prosperity is related to money in certain ways. For most of us, money plays a part in the process of creating what we want. Our finances are one aspect of our prosperity."

...it is important to understand what money is and isn't, and to learn to relate to it in a balanced and effective way.

"There are three common approaches to money and prosperity:"

) MATERIALISTIC VIEWPOINT

Believes strongly in the physical, material world, and that fulfilment and satisfaction comes from what is around them. "...held by a majority of people in the world today". An approach many of us either way have tried - or rebelled against. 
Keywords: - have more - 
One problem though: focuses on the external - never enough, as we are more than that

) TRANSCENDENT SPIRITUAL VIEWPOINT

Believing that "..the material world is essentially a place of temptation, sin, and suffering..". "...truly dedicated spiritual seekers renounce the world and attempt to let go of their attachment to things, in particular money and material possessions."
Keywords: - need less -
One problem though: extreme also - denies the importance of the physical and emotional

) NEW AGE VIEWPOINT

""Our life reflects our thoughts." is the popular saying." Meaning that if "we begin to take responsibility for changing our thoughts, our experience will change accordingly." "...attempts to bridge the internal and external."
Keywords: - think positive -
One problem though: too simplistic - we are more than our thoughts. Healing comes not from just changing our thoughts.

_____

So, can you give a more holistic and general view on money, one that I can relate to?

"Everything in the universe is made of energy."

Money is a medium of exchange we have chosen to represent our creative energy. Money itself consists of pieces of paper or metal. It has little intrinsic value, but we have decided to let it symbolise the energy we exchange with one another.

Love this! An illustrative example maybe?

"...you went out and worked, used your energy in a certain way, and earned money. You used some of that money to buy this book, in exchange for the energy I put to writing it, and the energy the publisher and bookseller used to make it available to you."

Wow, lovely! Would certainly love to find the place where my energy is an exchangeable, valued and desired currency!

"When our creative energy is flowing freely, often times our finances are as well. If your energy gets blocked, frequently our money does too."

Yes. That little task too... Find the flow. 
Any general advice I can ponder on regarding this, related to the subject?

"Our relationships, our health - all these things reflect the flow of energy moving through us. Money is just another mirror - an incredible useful one - that reveals what's going on in our consciousness, what is and what isn't working."

"We just have to learn to pay attention to these messages."

Well then, that sounds simple enough ;)

"mirror, mirror on the wall..."

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I can't say I fully resonate with the descriptions of the Inner Patriarch and Matriarch in The Shadow King (yesterday's post, below) but there where indeed some candy in the book, contributing to my personal puzzle.

I have (always had) a hard time finding my way - and myself. The more I search the more I find what I am not. Frustrating, to say the least - but actually extremely logical, and highly correct! Philosophically speaking - considering that "I" actually don't exist. "I" is only a personal perception I have. It's a rationalisation and simplification of the highly complex personality the resides in this particular pile of flesh and blood. 

How to find "the perfect/right/.../good way" for a personality consisting numerous loud, stubborn and determined sub-personalities pulling in different directions?!
How to find YOU in this motley crowd?
I find these to be particularly difficult tasks.

But I'm becoming more and more aware of the fact that I was quite uninformed regarding the tasks! And, if you haven't even got the question right, how the hell should you be able to answer it? And much less "solve" it...!

_______

So, I continue on my "Not-I" path - which I realise I have walked my whole life. Trying what others have told me to be right - over and over. Only to find little or no resonance or affirming response in my inner being - over and over. Of course I didn't listen to that, at least not the first 32 years.

If I find enough Not-I:s, will that not make the I become visible to me?!

_______  

Becoming more and more aware of who I am Not - but who I thought I was. 
I don't resonate with The Shadow King, but I resonate with the Voice Dialogue process. I realise that my head/inner is filled to the brim with noisy dialogue - hence I was highly terrified of schizophrenia for a long, long time. A mentioned I barely have any pictures inside me. There is basically NO room them! It so filled with noise. By brain runs 24/7, and I can't say it's thoughts. Some, I guess. But mostly: talk. 

When I was young, I occasionally had (VERY fun, and late) game nights with one or two friends. Sometimes it was games requiring some thought. So then, when it was my friend's turn, it got quiet. As it was in the middle of the night, a bit from town, so no cars or surrounding sounds. But still i could hear something. I sounded like a radio on low volume in an adjacent room. I asked my friend if she heard. Nah.

____

Hence, I resonate with the Voice Dialogue process. And I can certainly feel that I have to get some grip on all the noise. How lovely would it be to have someone to work on this with?! It's certainly not optimal to do it self... Being both the listener and talker is quite bothersome. No one present who is detached from the subject, and being able to ask clarifying questions.
Hence more of a "group talk" when I try it myself. It puts quite the strain on the mental capacity - "being everywhere and everyone" at the same time. No one to anchor you, and "bring you back" to  stable ground. 

Terrifying and insufficient to do it yourself, but still educational and interesting - for the inner observer that is, not so much for my weaker sub-personalities/energies! 

_____

I've never had any dreams.
Awake that is. I dream a lot at night.

I've never had any dreams or goals of my own.
I have picked up others on the way. Trying them out. Discarding them.

I've always struggled with this fact. It have made everything I've done feel quite or utterly meaningless deep, deep inside - as I have pursued other's goals and paths.
Not because I haven't have the courage to follow my own. But because I really, Really, REALLY haven't felt my own.

Or have I?

______

I actually have one dream.
Always had.

To get married.
To stand bride.

But that is not really a life goal to follow.

Or is it?

Not a rational one maybe, but a quite natural one?!

_____

The Shadow King speaks of the Women's gifts to the world. 

"The Gifts of Life, of Relationship, and Caring of Others"

THAT resonates with me. No. 10 years ago I would have laughed. 
More on that later.

I'm maybe not the most caring person at first sight, but that's mostly because I'm so darn angry an off balance. I can feel it inside. I can feel it for my family and loved ones. 

I'm NOT a career or business woman. 
"You don't have to be"
Ok, but...

_____

I have no problem that nature has given us genders. Woman, Man. Weak, strong. Vagina, Penis. 
Just as I don't have a problem with the weather. I have clothes for them all.

_____

I have always connected easier with men. I have an inclination towards rationality, control, discipline, and so on - but it's not who I am! It's what I'm trained for.
There are no schools for "being a woman". (Or being a man...)
Man (!), I could have needed that!

Here it would be easy to throw in some big words about "initiation rites" and learning about life like the Nature People does it, but I will refrain from that pit stop. Now it's about Me! It's not about complaining about What Is Not, but what I CAN do. (Must do)

______

I like the idea of two different genders. I resonate with how Nature has intended it. I do not resonate with "equality". 
I can (could) "man up", and do it the rational way. 
I've done it. Many years. I have many sub-personalities suited for that, who thrives in it. But "I" don't. I have sub-personalities suited for all kinds of things that are not resonating with my inner being.

I have a bunch of "rational/male" energies who (sentences are gathered from The Shadow King):
...promotes rules, society, money and laws
...make me distrust myself, and other women 
...discourage behaviours hat are weak, irrational, and feminine
...dissolve the sense of awe
...only admires me during hours of professional work
...distracts and takes my portfolios of knowledge
...makes my inner laws, and carries rules, values and expectations
...needs a goal, disregards intangible accomplishments
...cut me of from many natural inclinations and joys
...admires rationality, self-control, law order, discipline, productivity, competition, achievement
...prefers predictability
...fears emotionality, lack of focus, and reliance upon intuition
...tempers my passion, reviews before publication (not this one...)

(I have also once been taken for a boy, and once been asked if I have done any tests - "as I radiate so much masculine energy")

______

I started to HATE this around 2012.
First I tried just to distance myself from it - 6-7 years or so..! But after the last weeks' readings I realise that I have only "disowned" the sub-personalities promoting the above.

I'm finally starting to understand the immense anger I have felt growing in me the last years. Or all years.

____

32 years I was was filled with anger and anxiety because I wasn't listening to my inner being. When I started to do that I suddenly "disowned" the energies that had been allowed to lead my life the first 32 years... Man, that pissed them off. Understandably.
But I'm really, Really, REALLY tired of being angry.
Or, I'm just... tired.
I've always been that too.
I've went to many, Many, MANY doctors over the years and asked and complained about my tiredness. 
They did all sorts of tests on me.
But I was always "healthy as a horse".
Scored smack in the middle of all tests.

______

So. There really is no off-switch on energies. 
It was not an adequate solution to just switch game player. Mario got pissed when I wanted to switch to my inner princess.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place as it's called!

______

It's amazing how strong and uncomfortable disowned energies get! Especially after being the captains of the ship in 32 years. 

It's obvious you can't kill off, hide or just push unwanted energies away.

_____

Tonight I dreamed about a very annoying insect. It was after I had finished a lesson in school. It looked very strange. I have never seen anything like it. But most of all - the sound. It was a very intense buzzing. No variation in pitch or volume, but totally constant. It was so annoying. I was not fully comfortable with killing it, but felt the urge, just to get rid of the almost mechanical buzzing.
Whap! 
Bad hit. It wasn't killed. Bad conscience. I felt bad before over killing it, it wasn't better when i just ALMOST killed it. But that which really confused me was the fact that the buzzing continued unchanged! The sound did not come from the wings, but from the strange round "body". I'm not sure it was it's body, more an appendix. But what a freaky insect?! With aversion I hit it once again. That round thing. It turned out to be some kind of seed capsule!

-

I've been living on some kind of rational autopilot (mechanical buzzing) my whole live. Reluctantly I've tried to kill it the last couple of years, only ending up releasing seeds of same stuff! Un-killable!

_______

But that wasn't my only dream tonight. I also (among others) dreamed of having a child. Historically any pregnancy or child birth dreams have been terrifying and highly uncomfortable for me. Tonight a had a child, in my own bed. I don't remember the actual birth, but the scene after. I guess it was some kind of virgin birth (did not recall or connect any father to it) - a "rebirth". My mother was there. She was the old holding the new-born. She knew I'm not that found of babies, but I could see in her eyes how she really hoped that I would accept this one - mine. My daughter. She lay down beside me. I mostly wanted to sleep - tired. But I could not turn away from that intense hope in my mothers eyes. I turned towards her and lifted up my cover to make room for the baby. Mum smiled with great relief and put down the baby beside me. Even though the baby was so young it looked intensely at me and smiled happily when I looked at it.

I take it as a beautiful sign that I'm on the right (or not totally wrong) track here!


*****

"This book is primarily written for women, but it is valuable for men as well. Not only will men learn about their own Patriarchs, but they will certainly gain a greater understanding of the women in their lives."

"This book is for every woman who has put aside 
her own wisdom, deferred to others, 
and waited for permission to speak.

It is also for her sister, the woman of power, 
who has learned to speak up, 
but fears that in doing this she has sacrificed 
some intangible but 
precious aspect of her essential femininity."

~~~ "Let him win, dear, it will make him feel good." ~~~

"The Inner Patriarch controls us from the inside, not the outside. We do not necessarily know about him because he operates beyond the edges of our awareness. He rules from the shadows of our unconscious..."

"Although the outer system has been somewhat changed, many of our unconscious belief systems have not. Within each of us lives an Inner Patriarch that continues to carry the old patriarchal rules and values."

"They make us distrust ourselves.
Even more important was the discovery that they make us distrust other women as well."
 

"In my early years, my greatest pride was that I was not like other women. I was better than other women because I was more like a man. I was a professional woman, a sensible, hardworking high achiever who would never let her feelings slow her down."

"He encouraged me to distrust women and to trust only men. He discouraged me from any behaviours that he saw as weak, irrational, and feminine. My femininity was appropriate only when it would please the men in my life."

...

"I became comfortable bringing more of my feminine energy into the world. Before this, my power was limited to that which the Inner Patriarch found acceptable."

"We humans are not as simple as we sometimes think. Our psyche are made up of many parts. Some of these parts we know about, and others are hidden in the unconscious. We are all proud of some parts of ourselves and ashamed of others."

"If I do not know about these selves, I have no choices in my life, I behave automatically. My Pusher will run my life and I will be uneasy whenever I have nothing to do."

...

"Dreams are another important way to find our about these selves. The characters in our dreams represent our different selves. We can use dreams to discover these selves and to learn about how they are operating in our lives."

"...my dreams give me a clear, objective, and memorable picture of what is happening in the shadows beyond my everyday consciousness."

*****

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