Me, myself, and I

(Written: early 2018)

Object and subject in a continuous play. Actor, crew and viewer in the greatest of productions: Life. Directed, written and produced by Nature. The manuscript is quite complex, and a living thing itself. For glimpses on parts of it, see here, and here. Most of the setting is Unknown

Always on stage, always monitored - by The Great Game Leader.

Role Character(s) - General Description

Individual, yet universal. 
Explorer, and investigator. Observer and observed. Receiver, and refiner. Servant, and leader. 

I am, and will always, feel very small, and very dumb.
Humans are very small, and very dumb.
But speckles of dust in the Universe.
In, but at the same time made of, the Universe.
I have the greatest respect for this.
An awe that turn my mind inside out and make me breathless.

"A human being is part of a whole called by us the universe."
* Albert Einstein *

I have broad shoulders, a wide but flat chest, very long arms, very long slim fingers, strong and fast growing nails, big feet and 2 uteruses - but no particular interest to produce any (physical) children.

"Judge me by my size, do you?"
* Yoda *

I was hypersensitive to cats, apples, and sunlight in varying years between 1994~2013. Now those "allergic reactions"  are gone. Now I continuously work on eliminating the causes to eventual sensitivities, likes-dislikes to different things by working with symbol-meaning-message. 

Cats - itching and runny - nose/mouth/eyes
Apples - ache - stomach
Tomatoes - sore - roof of the mouth
Kiwi - sore and itching - roof of the mouth
Sunlight - rashes/small water blisters - exposed skin

Nature/the unconscious evidently (at least to me) speaks through situations, incidents, accidents, symbols and reactions - in me, and around me - urging me to feel, sense, listen, look, learn, and reveal hidden knowledge and information and process it.
    It was not Nature's intention for me to take (human made) pills to curb severe panic attacks and anxiety (natural reactions). I perceive these reactions to be natural sensors. Warnings. Just like the indicators in the car. Escalating when not heeded. Not "faults in the brain" to be patched.

But also, birth can be agonising and cause panic. Birth as well as re-birth. Leaving the womb of a safe, comfortable and secure place - still it has to be left, for something new to come.

Anxiety can warn; "wait, turn" - soul generated, spirit screaming. Anxiety can indicate; "push through" - ego (selves) complaining over leaving something safe. Just like the indicators in a car can look very red and alike, but have very different gravity and meaning. 

The unconscious can show itself as this pretty complex GPS, with a somewhat messy display and strange symbols - yet. For us tiny Humans on the verge of awakening. 

How to interpret the the signals and warnings? When is just about putting more fuel in? What kind of fuel? When to just fill up water fluid to be able to drive in shitty weather? When to hit the brakes because of serious motor failure pending? In the car some indicators have more serious outcome when neglected than others. In the mind and body too - in my perception.

My definite view is that the built in GPS shows the most advantageous and optimal way to a destination programmed by Nature. You can like it or not, but that's the way it is. You can try to change it - it can work out. Perhaps you've chosen a somewhat equally good (hence allowed) route. But my conviction is that it can never be "better" than the predetermined one. Seen from an universal perspective

The inner GPS tells when a side track is entered. Maybe its allowed for a while, for some, as long as it doesn't interfere with the greater scheme of things too much. The GPS clearly tells when you hit and follow a blind alley. At least it do for me. My rationally planned destination was clearly not the one the Universe had planned for me. My rational choice of way pre 2013 apparently interfered with the Natural course programmed. 

"You are going in wrong direction! You should do something else with that body and mind hand-picked for you, you imbecile! Raise to the occasion - do what you're meant to do! Stop following others - cut the cord already, and get into that unknown darkness, hunt (cat) and find new paths! Reflect, learn, evolve, and take responsibility for the life and accompanied tasks you are given (apple)!
GET ENLIGHTENED (Sun) God damnit!"

Today I can come to no other conclusion than the answers I got from the "experts" was based on knowledge belonging to the 4% - my internal reactions, questions, and life path being outside them. Hence, the pills I was convinced to eat (and, man the human resistance when I soon stopped...) was like using a patch on wounds coming from badly fitting shoes - but still continue to use the shoes..! Putting a bit of tape on the blinking indicator in the car's display doesn't take care of the problem!
    So, of course, Nature raised the temperature. Nature isn't failing us - we are failing nature, and often try to take short cuts and wrong (rational) ways. And that's what Nature is trying to tell - and show. The "faults" in the brain seen in the microscope aren't causes for us to eliminate or fix - they are reactions to seriously consider. 

What may we have done to cause this, and that? "Faults", Accidents, Incidents are merely Nature's (physical) reactions to Humans' faulty/ignorant/immature behaviour. Nature isn't broken. It reacts, reflects and continuously intensify it's message and narrows down possible roads to take - until only one left if so must be. To our egos' great discontentment. "Talk to the hand, 'cause the face aint listening...

"In man's struggle against the world, bet on the world."
Franz Kafka

The Ego: "but the shoes looks so good... I want to use them. And I want to go wherever I want to, whenever I want to, as fast as I can, in them..."

I can choose to either see my inherent (sometimes severe) anxiety as a curse (if I turn on my egoistic perspective), or I can see it as a useful tool helping me finding my pre-programmed path (from a perspective greater then I can comprehend). It's a innate property - there for a reason. Whether I like it or not. Whether I understand it or not.  

Never do I label it a sickness, a diagnose or a defect. Just like I don't label my quickness a sickness or a defect - even though it sometimes turns out badly when its activated. Just like I don't label my sensitive nose a sickness, even though I would prefer not to smell some smells so strongly! Depression is no more a sickness than intense happiness..! But few people see it that way.

Some innate properties are more complicated to take control of than others. Some are easier to make peace with than others. That's life. Funny or not. I don't have to like my body or my mind, but I really should respect them and take care of them. And, the more I do, and the more I listen, the more I make peace with them. To my own advantage. 
      With life comes responsibility for it.

The world spinned - inside and outside.
The unconscious climbed over the fences.
In horror the intuition and logic unitedly and loudly screamed, 
"It is just IMPOSSIBLE that my inner harmony should depend on a machine producing chemicals..!"
THAT is sick - not the reaction.
That can NOT be Nature's intention.

That can NOT be what the Universe is trying to teach me.
That's neither mastery, nor evolution.
That's destruction.

"I have a firm belief in this now, not only in terms of my own experience, but in knowing the experiences of other people. When you follow your bliss, and by bliss I mean the deep sense of being in it, and doing what the push is out of your own existence - it may not be fun, but it's your bliss and there's bliss behind pain too.
"You follow that and doors will open where there were no doors before, where you would not have thought there'd be doors, and where there wouldn't be a door for anybody else.
"... And so I think the best thing I can say is to follow your bliss. If your bliss is just your fun and your excitement, you're on the wrong track.
... Know where your bliss is. And that involves coming down to a deep place in yourself."

                            * Joseph Campbell, The Hero's Journey *

The Universe/Nature/Unconscious matches dream symbols and situations with what I experience during the day. Teaching me how, when and where to grow and heal - in the very present. My dreams (night reality) and my (day) reality (including Tarot cards, and horoscope, and I Ching coins) are interwoven in the most masterly way - once I started paying attention and work with it. 
    The way of/with Nature has proven far more efficient in search of fulfilment and satisfaction, than the way of the Ego ever was. Less shiny prices, but greater achievements - evolutionary speaking. Less (momentary) pleasure, but more (long term) contentment. Less (immediate) joy, but more (lasting) harmony.

The Ego (Inner Selves) of course continuously (but lesser and lesser with time) angrily raise its hand in discontentment, perceiving this choice of way as utter defeat. Not at all the funny one. Not at all the craved one. Not at all the popular one. Not at all the way of outer recognition.

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." 
* Joseph Campbell *

The Ego (Inner Controller) had at first no interest in slowing down and/or leaving the rudder, but slowly and steadily shoulders the role of being the executor, and not the captain, of the ship.

"A challenge lifelong it is, not to bend fear into anger." 
* Yoda *

"If you end your training now - if you choose the quick and easy path as Vader did - you will become an agent of evil."
* Yoda *

     At the moment tree dust and (regular dust) tickle my nose most.

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."
* Albert Einstein *

I think everything has its place and reason, mostly beyond our control and understanding. 
Me not understanding  ≠   not important.
Me not understanding = me have to learn.

"Patience you must have have my young padawan"
* Yoda *

Why did that apple fall on Mr Isaac Newton's head in particular?


Pomegranate red Audi.


In the generally accepted man made system, anno 2006, European-Western version: 

Master of Science in Mechanical Engineering, specialised in optimisation.

"Education is not the learning of facts, it's rather the training of the mind to think."
* Albert Einstein *

Stamped with "logic of the charts" in some kind of formal personality/logic test many, many years ago. For better or (feeling of) worse - the logic very often runs so very much faster than the rest of me, seeing/connecting things my ego don't understand or can get a hold on until much (work) later.

'From a drop of water, a logician could infer the possibility of an Atlantic or a Niagara without having seen or heard of one or the other'
* Sherlock Holmes - A Study in Scarlet *

Education commenced 2018: Hovformsspecialist

Tasks in the Production of Life

Doing what I am configured to do.
Doing what I am obliged to do.
Doing what I am required to do.
Finding the balance doing it.

Do things that should be done,
not what I think should be done.
Do things when they should be done,
not when I think they should be done.
Do things how they should be done,
not how I think they should be done. 

Do what's needed, not what's craved.

I do not really believe in Human Rights.
I don't believe that Homo Sapiens - speckles of dust in the Universe - has the right to declare, create and define such a thing. 

I do believe in Human obligations though.
I believe in Birth Obligations before Birth Rights.
Obligations to wake up. Obligations to grow up. Obligations to do right. Obligations to take responsible action. Obligations to tame our egos. Obligations not to blindly obey our cravings. And to realise and admit that our cravings and wishes are are far greater than our needs and true desires - and that it exceeds available resources to fulfil all our false needs.

I can't make revolution. I shouldn't.
I can find, and walk my way.
I can make a map of where I have walked.

I am convinced that the Earth is round, but I can know and prove it with certainty only by leaving the shore and sail around it.

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." 
* Joseph Campbell *

"Suddenly I found myself completely isolated. This, however disadvantageous it may have been, had also an advantage for me as an introvert; that is it encouraged the vertical movement of the libido. Cut of from the horizontal movement which activity in the outside world bring, I was driven to investigate fully the things within myself."

"As soon as one begins to watch one's mind, one begins to observe the autonomous phenomena in which one exist as a spectator, or even as a victim. It is very much as if one stepped out of the protection of his house into an antediluvian forest and was confronted by all the monsters that inhabit the latter. One is naturally a little reluctant to reverse the machinery and get into this situation. It is as though one gave up one's freedom of will and offered oneself up as a victim, for with this reversal of machinery, an entirely different attitude from that of directed thinking grows up. One is swept into the unknown  of this world, not just into a psychological function. In a way the collective unconscious is a mirage because unconscious, but it can be also just as real as the tangible world. I can say this is so, this thing I am experiencing, but it does no good. One must be willing to accept the reality for the time being, to risk going a long way with the unconscious in other words.

* C.G. Jung *

I have no idea where I am heading. I have no palpable goal, only flashlights, a purpose and abstract goals.
It is very uncomfortable and highly distressing. I was absurdly afraid of the dark as a child.
But, now I am going.

"If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it's not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That's why it's your path.
* Joseph Campbell *

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."

* Frodo, Lord of the Rings *



Raising again

One more scar

One more experience

One more lesson learned

The show must go on.

"May the wind under your wings bear you where the sun sails and the moon walks."

* Gandalf, The Hobbit *

In Depth

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